Indiana Woman Now World's Oldest Person
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Edna Parker, 114, of Shelbyville is now the world's oldest person. There was a Japanese lady who was also 114 that finally kicked it, leaving Ms. Parker with the honor. The story doesn't give the birthdate of the Japanese lady, so I don't know how much it took to beat the competition up to that point. I wonder if there is a prize? I mean, other than living. After all, honestly, this new 114 year old looks okay for her age, but I can't imagine that it would be easy to live that long. Some morning I already feel ancient and I'm barely past 40. I mean, come on, 114? Hmmm. The interviewer in the story has asked some of these oldest people about the secret to long life and they've said things like "sleep a lot." Maybe this is because when you sleep, you are sort of dead, so every hour of sleep subtracts an hour from your expected time of death. If that's true, how many hours would you have to sleep until you'd go into the negatives? Would you have to start getting younger at that point? I might be onto something here. Some of you young medical school students should consider this as a dissertation. Who needs Oil Of Olay? Stay awake for only 1 hour per day and reverse the aging process entirely! Anyway, I digress. I think the interviewers generally ask the question in a format like: "So, what is the secret to a long life?" Maybe these old people don't even really know the secret, but they have to say something. More likely, they DO know the secret and they just aren't saying it. If you asked them more directly, though, they'd admit it. Like, has anyone asked this 114 year old lady if she is a vampire? I bet not! Has anyone asked her if a mad scientist actually crafted her from other body parts and then used lightning to bring her alive? I bet not even that question. You've got to be more direct with these people - you can't just ask them for the secret. That's like asking the guy with the nuclear button for the password to make the nuke go off. He's not going to tell you, period. But if you start guessing and you guess right, while he might not come out and say it, he'd look so shocked you'd know you got it right. Who would have thought that the pass-phrase to arm the nuke was "Naked Ladybug Speaks Vogon Poetry Better than a Jewish Toaster?" Honestly, that's probably really it. If you are near the buttons now as you read this blog, though, please don't try it. Or if you have to, please email me first so I can have an affair in order. I mean, get my affairs in order. Sorry, I think at my advanced age I might be catching dementia. Darn those nursing home vampires who won't share.
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